Mental Sticky Notes

You know, every day when I observe something new or odd or amusing, I make a mental note to include it in this blog. However, the day ends and I have not had or taken time to enter anything here. A week or more goes by and here I sit trying to gather up all of those mental sticky notes I've made to try to assemble them in some form. Then I realize that I have misplaced a few of them or they are underneath a lot of other mental sticky notes about a lot of other stuff, so I capture what I can.

More and more Mom is reminding of the stories I have heard about Grandma Ashely. Mom is sure that someone is taking things from her room and spends a great deal of time in there rearranging and relocating things - hiding stuff under her clothes in drawers. This week she told Janice that someone was taking her shoes. Last Sunday, Mom pulled out the drawers of her large jewelry chest one by one and we sat talking about all of her pieces - junk beads, plastic necklaces and a few pieces of better jewelry that I silently confiscated so that it did not end up in a Ziploc bag in the trash. (I have recovered a few of those already.) On another day, Mom got out a number of different silly hats and head wear and modeled them for Janice. Last night after church and IHOP, Mom sat at the kitchen table and went through all of her pendant necklaces - most with butterflies now - and arranged them to hand on her arm so that they would jingle together. Earlier in the week, she wore a pendant necklace that had a stone in the middle of it that was green emerald like on one side and a brown quartz look on the other. It was connected at the top and bottom of a gold circle so it could be turned and worn either way. I walked in on her in the kitchen with the scissors in one hand and the stone in the other - she had snipped the connection at both the top and the bottom of the stone in an effort to get the necklace off of her neck. I unclasped the necklace for her and tried to humor her about the new design. Mom didn't quite get it all but handed me the necklace saying "it's yours now" and walked away.

Yesterday, Mom just could not capture my name! When she thought about it, she came up with Joe's but I was "HEY"! We joked about it at dinner and she still could not remember. When I quizzed her about her name, Joe's name, how many daughters she had, their names, how many sons, how many sisters and brothers, etc.. I got "Joe" 3, Deena, none, I have no idea".

Mom is still sleeping on top of the covers and told Janice she was mad at me because I asked her about it. I try to solve mysteries and monitor behaviors, like why are there clothes in hamper that smell strong of urine, but I have not seen her wear them? Where is all of her underwear disappearing to? Did she use soap in the shower when I walked out of the room or just get the soap wet? Why did she go to a totally different cupboard on the other side of the kitchen and get one of the china bowls for her ice cream? Why is she drinking only a half cup of coffee at a time? Why does she pick at her skin/scabs and have to have band-aids everywhere? My family jokes about what I carry in my purse, but I have put band-aids on her in the middle of church, dabbed the TIDE pen on strawberry stains, trimmed her nails in the car before church, given her Tylenol with dinner out and used the wet wipes on her sticky hands and soiled clothing.

These are all of the mental sticky notes I could retrieve for now - which begs another question: Is this forgetfulness and scattered thinking an early sign of dementia? Gotta wonder!

Bummers and Blessings

While it is really, "All Good", I must confess that there are days when my brain can make my mouth say that, my heart is saying "Bummer". Whenever I observe and report about some of her new behaviors and quirks, I spend much time on analyzing and questioning. Is the new behavior because of a medical condition? Is she dehydrated? That can cause disorientation and confusion. Is she getting enough protein? Is she in pain but not expressing it? When she falls asleep at the kitchen table after just having had another nap, is she getting enough oxygen", which can also cause confusion. Is she spending too much time alone? Would more activity and interaction keep her sharper? Is her wheezing and holding her leg for effect or is it real? So I give her Tylenol and Advair just in case. When Mom isn't putting her pajamas on and sleeping under the covers, we can joke about it, but is it because she just can't connect that many thoughts or is it because she is connection thoughts and has chosen that just because she can?

In the note I left for her on Wednesday, I suggested that she cut the coupons out of the Sunday paper before we threw it away. Janice reported that she sat with Mom and pretty much did it because Mom did not know how to do it. And she continued to comment and question why Janice needed so many groceries.

After vigilant observing and silent questioning, there are still no real and true answers. Through God's abundant grace, I go with the flow and trust my spirit to make decisions on her behalf. But not before I suffer a little more sadness and mourning for the person we all knew and loved and for the helplessness of watching this happen to her.

I have vowed to keep these posts about Mom and today I may have bent that a little. But I also have said that I post in order to share Mom with you and that is ultimately sharing the process as well. Her mind is deteriorating daily - some days more than others. I want you to remember who she was, but I also need you to know who she is now. The decent is silent to most observers. By reading this, I know that you are not observers, but caring participants.

You know that there has been a raging war in the depths of her mind to not give up her independence and memory of who she was. The war battles more and more resemble skirmishes to defy the enemy who will overcome her in its own time.

Okay, so now that I have "bummed" you out too, I do want to say that spending this time with Mom is not a bummer but a blessing. I am "highly favored" and honored to share this time with her and know that others are missing out on so much by not being able to be nearer to her. So I hope that these posts serve to bless you as much as they are a therapeutic blessing to me. And? God is Good!.....All the time!

It's All Good!

So where did I leave off over a week ago? Mom has recovered from the seizure and fall and there have been no further seizures. The weekend that I last posted, I did not take her to church. And every day that following week, she asked if we were going to church. We would be at work all day and Mom would ask if it was church day when we got home. This past weekend, we had planned to go Saturday night but did not because we had a house full of people and could not get away. So, we got Mom up on Sunday and went to mass. We did not sit in our usual place but the children who had attended VBS during the week, sang some of their songs before the service started. Mom really liked that and sang along to "This Little Light of Mine." AND we went to IHOP afterwards and were able to catch up with Courtney who used to always be our waitress on Saturday! Mom had her pancakes.

Last night Mom had another dream about "the baby." When I heard her yell something and then the squeak of her bedroom door, I was out of bed and she was through the laundry room, the kitchen and family room to my bedroom door by the time I got there. Mom said little and what she did say was barely intelligible. It came out "the buddy," at first and then a few words about "baby". I realized then, that she had gone to bed fully dressed, including her shoes and was sleeping covered up by a small blanket, but on top of the bed covers. I managed to slip her shoes off of her and she went back to sleep. Actually, Mom has been sleeping in her clothes on top of the covers for a couple of nights as it turns out - when Joe and I compare notes.

Today, her friends Diane and Margaret came by and took her to a nearby nursing home to take share her crafts with the residents. They came back here and had lunch in the gazebo. Mom has become very picky about what she will eat saying something is greasy or spicy or salty or...today I know that the ladies brought back pizza, which Mom usually refuses. I don't know if she ate it or not, but when I asked her about lunch, she said they had "Italian."

For the most part, little changes day to day but there are sometimes surprises! When I asked her to lick an envelope the other day, she dunked her finger in her coffee and moistened the flap with it. One day I left a large bowl of strawberries that needed to be cleaned and suggested that in the note I left for her that morning. When I got home, we had clean strawberries - and strawberry shortcake for dessert. And Mom loves her nail polish and manicure. Joe took her to the podiatrist on Friday and she told her butterfly story to everyone she saw but really did not know why those people were so interested in her feet!

And one more thought if Auntie Joyce is reading this. First, thank-you so much for the pictures! Secondly, thank-you for calling and talking to Mom. When she hung up, I asked her about her phone call and to whom she had been speaking and she told me "Deena". But I hope you were blessed by being in touch with her. She may not know who people are but Mom is such a social person and as long as the conversation is about her, it's all good!

A Slow Saturday

Still recovering from that fall. Nothing was broken but she is still having trouble with her left knee. You know, I just don't know how much is drama and how much is pain. It appears that when no one is looking, she bops around with no problem. But give her a little intention, and she hobbles and rubs her leg. At any rate, I have decided that she will not go to church tonight for two reasons: if it really is painful, she should not be on it; if it is drama, she won't have an audience. I informed Mom moments ago that she would be staying home and she is a little confused. She has not had her shower yet today because I did not think we needed to manage that. Last night we took her to DQ for ice cream and she had difficulty getting in and out of the car and was slow going into the store and coming out. But she was in no pain when she was socializing with everyone and hovering over a little boy. Just trying to figure her out. I am giving her a pain pill about every 6 hours because I know that she has to be hurting - how much I do not really know.

One other note: since the seizure and fall, Mom does not recognize Janice as the caregiver prior to the hospital. When I got home Thursday from work, Mom was holding Janice' hand and telling her she loved her. She told Janice that she did not like the other person and was glad she was gone. So, we haven't told Mom the truth and have avoided using Janice' name.

I know this is all just random stuff today. But by the time I get it all figured out, I'll have Alzheimer's and will have forgotten what I came up with! So I hope that someone is taking notes and will use the information when they are blogging about me someday. Of course, blogging will probably be as out of date by then as an electric typewriter is today! That will be their issue!

Just a little more drama in Texas...

Thank-you to those who suggested a name for the soap opera. Honestly, I had totally forgotten about Another World! And I liked that one with Rachael and Mac! Anyway, I know I had something to tell you all yesterday, but I cannot remember what it was, being overshadowed I am sure by more recent events. Janice and I spent the morning in the ER with Mom. Last night as she went to her room after a snack Mom had another seizure. I did not follow her into her room and did not realize it until I heard her call for me over the monitor. By the time I got in there, she was on her left side just inside the doorway and had vomited. It took about 5 minutes for her to come around enough to respond to us as we attempted to assess her and decide whether to call an ambulance. After some time when she thought she was ready to get up and we had poked, prodded, questioned and wiped her off a little, Joe and I were able to get her to a chair where I cleaned her up more and got her clothes off of her while Joe began cleanup on the floor. Mom was still dazed but did not respond as though she was in pain so we got her to bed and monitored her off and on until I finally quit going into her room or listening to the monitor and finally fell asleep. This morning, Mom could not get out of bed without extreme pain on her left side. It brought tears to her eyes to turn enough to get out of the bed. Janice and I did manage that and did further assessment. I had Mom eat a little breakfast and take a pain pill that the doctor had prescribed two weeks ago for her back. An hour later when I was ready for work and Mom had finished breakfast, she was still in extreme pain - a little after 8 a.m.. We got her painfully into the car and to All Saints ER where she was totally checked - ex rays, blood, lungs, etc. And oh yes, she was given a little bit of morphine to help with the pain. By 11:30 the doctor had determined that she had nothing broken but was pretty well bruised at her hip and knee. We were home by noon after having driven through Wendy's for a large Frosty! She was not feeling much of anything and was, in fact in a great mood. By the time I got home from work this afternoon, she had told Janice that she loved her. (Janice would like to include a touch of morphine in her medications everyday.) Mom is at this moment, sitting outside enjoying our nice spring day. All is well that ends well! Today maybe we were General Hospital? Or The Doctors?

Name That Soap Opera

So I ended up spending the day at home even though Janice was prepared to come here after her doctor appointment. I expected that Mom and I would get out early to run errands and be back by the time Janice was available around noon. I indicated to Mom last night and this morning what would be happening, advising her what time we should be ready to go, about 9:30. She went back to bed after breakfast at 8:30. I got ready to go. Mom got up and got dressed an hour later...and got back into the bed even though I was telling her that we could go so that we could be done by the time we had to pick Julie up. By noon I had spoken to Janice and made the decision to just take the day off and agreed to be in touch within the hour so that Mom and I could stop by her apartment to pay her. I prepared my lunch of a sandwich and banana; mom came to the table and sat down, watching me. Knowing that Mom had been preparing her own lunch during the week, I did not prepare anything for her. As I set my plate by the coffee pot, Mom advised me that I could take the banana off of the plate because she does not eat bananas anymore. I let her know that I intended to eat the banana and sat down with my lunch. I also let her know that I had left everything out for her to make a sandwich if she wanted to. I finished and left the room. When I returned, Mom was headed to her room without having lunch. I asked if she was feeling okay, noting that she had been in bed all day. Mom replied that she had nothing better to do and she didn't like any of my suggestions. I let her know again that I had to go someplace and said that I would call Janice - to which she yelled "no". Within 30 minutes Mom was in the kitchen preparing a sandwich. As I sat with her she deteriorated into anger, crying, mixed up memories - I took her away from her home; she can stay here by herself and does not need anyone with her; she just wants me to let her be herself; she wants to take some pills and die so that she can be with Dom; Dom was there in the house with her and only died last year; why she doesn't want Janice here; when she dies, her little dog is going to be right there on her shoulder; and LOTS of other stuff. And then she became distracted by Heidi in the other room and all was well. She went and got her shoes on and her purse and sat at the kitchen table. I was exhausted and took some time out until it was time to meet up with Julie in town and Mom was still there ready to go. So, we went and I made up an excuse to go to the Dollar store just to extend the outing for her. Mom purchased two small stick-in-the-ground fake flower arrangements that are typically put at grave sites. I did not address it except to agree that they were very pretty. As we checked out, Mom chatted with the lady behind her about them and stated that she had lost her husband. It surprised me that Mom may have connected to what those things are usually used for. Mom told her that she was going to put them outside the garage and added some other statements that made no sense as she stood in the way so that the people could not get out of the store until she had told them all about the butterfly rings, necklaces and bracelets she was wearing.

I don't know why I offered her a Gatorade instead of a Smirnoff! Yes I do! I was saving the hard stuff for me!

But you know what? It was actually a good way to have a four day weekend. Tomorrow is shower day, church day and IHOP day. We like Saturdays.

So what do you think? Days of our Lives? As the World Turns? The Old and the Beautiful? The Young and the Listless?

Warm days - cool drinks

Just a short funny. Yesterday morning (Wednesday), Janice told me that the day before (Tuesday), that Mom had gone to the refrigerator in the garage and come in with a bottle of Smirnoff something or other. 1. Mom has never gone to the garage to get anything out of that refrigerator 2. The wine coolers have been in there since before last summer. 3. There are two cases of bottled water in that refrigerator as well. 3. I can't remember the last time I saw Mom drink anything alcoholic. 4. I don't think she knew what she was getting, but she opened it and poured it into a glass and drank it. 5. She seemed to get a little friendlier and chattier with Janice afterward.

Mom has been exercising her independence during the day. She quit eating what Janice prepared for lunch so now she gets her own sandwich, snacks and "drinks" during the day. I think that Janice just mentions that it is lunch time as a prompt to remind Mom to eat. Mom has been sitting outside the front door on these warm days. In many respects, this is good because she is connecting enough thoughts to accomplish it. However, she has not changed her underwear or clothes all week even though I set them out for her and remind her before I leave for work if she is awake. Tonight she absolutely insisted that she had done this when I mentioned it to her. Oh well! I will be home with her in the morning because Janice has an early appointment and I'll be able to monitor this. Along with being stubbornly independent, Mom walked to the road to get the mail on Wednesday. Behavior we have discouraged because:! 1. She goes out there on uneven terrain without a walker or cane. 2. She gets the mail and if it has her name on it, she takes it to her room and "puts it away" and if it is a bill, medical or insurance information, I will never know. So she got mail yesterday and brought it to me tonight to find out what it was. It was insurance information that I explained to her that I punch holes in and put it into a notebook. Mom let me keep the paperwork this time.

I said it was short and got carried away! That's all for now. If I find any more booze missing I could be looking for the closest AA meeting! Or maybe I should just join her so that she doesn't have to drink alone!