Another week of sticky notes has gone by. I did find one that I had misplaced, though and I put it on top to tell you about it. Mom's diary. We girls found it when we cleaned out the attic in preparation of the yard sale and move a couple of years ago. We glanced at it with her a little but left it at that. It turned up about two weeks ago when Mom came out of her room with it to show me what she had found. She and I sat and read every word in it and wondered together about the person who had written in the book. Mom speculated that it must be someone she knew, probably a family member and that whoever it was lived in northern Ohio because the girl who wrote it spent a lot of time out of school because of snow.
Over the years I have had hints of who Mom was before she was "Mom". Collecting hints and information along the way and now living with her as an adult, I still have to ask "who was she?" And who is this angry, negative, defensive, stubborn woman? What are the demons that drive her and cause her restlessness even in sleep?
I know that some of you out there know. And do I need to know it all? I want to know it all. I want to understand. I want in some way to help her find peace in this life. She herself has lost active memories and except for the odd behaviors and nightmares, I have little to go on.
It is true that one of the side effects of the medication Mom takes is bad dreams and Alzheimer's ' patients do become confused and disoriented which causes aggressiveness and stubbornness.
But I am referring to a past that I believe troubles her today. I base this on those observations, unanswered questions and hints to which I referred earlier. Hints such as her diary, little information about a previous marriage which Mom has never mentioned and sketchy details about the person, an accident, quitting school, the car she got, etc. And why was she going to "break both" of my legs when I wanted to get married? Why did she sit in the basement of the church and refuse to participate when Deena got married? Why has Mom always been so negative, even about people she didn't even know? Why is she shouting in her dreams that she is going to get a gun and shoot someone? Why does she continue to dream/hallucinate about a baby falling? And much, much more.
No, I did not need to know. Not until now. I am living with and caring for a stranger in many ways. But unlike "staff" in this position, I am not objective. I hope that we can provide the best care and we can do that because we know how to reassure and calm a person we "know" and love.
And yes, I may be over dramatizing all of this. Maybe there is no mystery, hidden clue or hushed information. Our day to day journey through this goes on and unanswered questions will remain at the bottom of the sticky note pile while I collect more to share here with you. And there are more! I will get to them later along with some notes from her diary maybe.
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3 comments:
I'm finding that the woman you describe is who we saw and lived with. It's not the same woman everyone else saw and knew. I do wonder why that generation never admitted/faced/dealt with their past mistakes - but carried them hidden in the recesses and allowed them to control their futures. Lack of self-confidence? Lack of faith/trust? in God? In others? Lots of questions...few answers.
Have I said lately how much I love you? And your entire "butterfly net"?
I am glad you said that! I was thinking over the years that we really did have different mothers. I knew her as catty, negative, angry and stubborn. I never connected with her the way I perceived that you did. Now we are both wondering.
Wow...."catty,negative,angry and stubborn" pretty much describes Mom's relationship with Bonnie over the years. Often wondered why she favored some over the others....you girls, her brothers and sisters, grandchildren and even the friends that her and your dad associated with. It was always obvious who she did or didn't like.
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