Some Whimper and Whine today.

I know it has been a while, but you all have been on my mind, as I know we have been on yours. I think I may have been avoiding this, putting things in writing as though it is just all a matter of fact and how the days are going. It is all just a matter of fact, but about the time I think I have the facts straight, I find myself reassessing and re-ordering them. Some of the new behaviors have me stumped.

I think it was around Christmas when I communicated with Bonnie and Deena about them visiting here, both at the same time to re-connect with who our mother is today. All they had to go by was what I told them and the have missed out on so much of this journey with her that I have been blessed to have. Since that time, however, the changes in Mom and my own limitations have lead to more serious consideration as to what I and my supports are prepared to do or are able to do to keep Mom healthy and safe. When Bonnie and Deena get here next week, I will depend on them to prayerfully discern this with me. We have spoken recently about Mom living in a nearby Alzheimer's Memory Care unit that I visited several months ago or possibly go with Deena to a place near her.

What has led to this again?

Some of the behaviors aren't new, but are more difficult to redirect. Mom needs 24 hour one-on-one attention. And we are running out of money to pay for it when we aren't here. She will qualify for Medicaid once she is out of funds, but that takes weeks to process and we still need to pay a caregiver Monday through Friday. On the week-ends and evenings, it is just Joe and me.

Mom wants to eat constantly. We are hiding food! She has breakfast that we monitor - 1 peanut and butter sandwich which she makes with enough peanut butter and jelly for 3 or 4 sandwiches - no exageration! Here's an excerpt from the journal by Becky: Something did happen a little different this morning. After making her sandwich at breakfast, before taking a bite, she was all over the kitchen searching for something. She could only come up with making her fingers in a circle trying to describe it. She sat back down and ate half and started doing it again, getting agitated. I got her to stand still, take a breath, and think. When she said it was something she eats with coffee, I knew it was the cookies I hid yesterday. I explained that she needed to eat her breakfast first. Then, she went to the candy jar and got 2 Reeces. I eventually hid those because she just doesn't get full any more. We are now regulating her food."

This is an everyday thing. Another everyday thing is that Mom changes her clothes 3 and 4 times a day! I can't keep up with what is clean or dirty! And in the evenings Mom puts on lipstick and a ton of perfume and jewelry like she has a date or something.

We keep the doors locked because Mom wants to go outside all of the time. No coat. To play with the dog in the backyard, sit on the swing, look through stuff in the garage. It has been COLD here. Sometimes she can figure out how to unlock the doors. Becky can't even go to the bathroom - Mom is out the door.

Twice this week I have heard Mom up in her room after bed time. When I checked on her she had locked her bedroom door! Luckily, she had not though it through and locked the bathroom door that goes into her room also. When I asked her about this, both times she told me that men had been in her room and she had chased them off. Mom was visibly upset and scared!

Mom is not only changing her clothes during the day. One night I had put her to bed three times before 3 a.m. Each time she was wearing something else when she came out to the kitchen. One night I found her sitting in the kitchen dunking Nonnies in a cup of water. Speaking of her cup, Mom has been cleaning up the kitchen, wiping the coffee cups out and putting them in the cupboard. The jelly that needs to be refrigerated is in a cupboard somewhere. The open can of dog food is in the cupboard next to the peanut butter.

Yes, life is interesting! Mom is extremely busy and getting into everything. Picking up things around the house like clothes, shoes, keys, coins, paper cups, mail, etc. and stashing them in her room.

THIS is what has brought us to this decision point again. Can I say I am confused and just a little bit tired some days? Part of me says I am a "whinybut" and that a visit from the girls will be just what I need to energize and focus me. The other part, honestly, is planning to go on the annual silent retreat with the women at church that I haven't done in 3 years, making a trip to Alabama for Elsie's first birthday, planning a cruise for our anniversary, taking a position at work that would require more commitment...knowing that Mom is taken care of.

Anyway. THANKS FOR LISTENING TO ME WHINE!!! I'm done now and I will get back on track. Serving HIM with a servant's heart of giving and grace. Blessings ABOUND!!! And He will let us know His will in this too.